if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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