What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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