I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
