just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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