Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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