Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
