I wish my penis had an off switch
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
