Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
