Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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