Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We don't watch enough power rangers
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
