If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
