i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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