my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My vagina just clenched in fear
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