i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
