My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I want her autograph on my taint
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
