It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No...this little piggys going to the bar
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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