Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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