Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
