She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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