Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Still dying that you shit outside
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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