Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
