I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
