According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
