I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
