stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
