before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
