The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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