I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
