now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
