I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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