Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
