It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
