Swine flu is the new snow day.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
