I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
