During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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