I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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