I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
