you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize