My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
