apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
