I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
