all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
