Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
