im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
