my being single is dangerous.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
