call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
