So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
