i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
