thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
