Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
