how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize