Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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