Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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