My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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