Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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