you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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