dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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