Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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