What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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