Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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