since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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